Random Jokes

[snsd]

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

[snsd]

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has
to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,
two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second
dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,
"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,
"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

[snsd]

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

[snsd]

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE
WORLD"
No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced
during the survey's implementation:

1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

[snsd]

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced
around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
for the food I'm about to receive...."

[snsd]

How many Los Angeles police officers does it
take to beat up a black motorist?

None. He fell down the stairs.

Hahaha

[snsd]

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no
to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the
level about this."

[snsd]

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.

"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.

Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"

[snsd]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[snsd]

Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don't we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"

Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. "Here, you have some!"

Mike passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the police get here."

[snsd]

Prison isn't as bad as you think it is.
Prison vs. Work

In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison: You get your own toilet.
At work: You have to share.

In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work: They are called supervisors.

In prison: You have unlimited time to read online jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.

[snsd]

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I
knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a
bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by
natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S
RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

[snsd]

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

[snsd]

Might take you a bit to get but OMG lol

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

[PhoenixFire]

dude.now you are just simply spamming

[snsd]