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little johnny jokes!!!!

 
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Post#1 Posted: 19 Jul 2008 09:27 am    Post subject: little johnny jokes!!!! Reply with quote

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

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Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

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One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

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Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

---------------------------

One day at school the teacher was making math questions to the class. First she asked little Mary:

- Little Mary, If you buy 5 oranges and give 2 of them to me, how many are left?

- 3 teacher!

- Very good Mary.


then the teacher catching little Johnny not paying any attention, directs the next question to him:

- Little Johnny. There are 5 birds in a tree. If a man shoots one of them how many are left?

- None, one of them gets shot and the rest fly away with the noise.

- No Johnny, the correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think....

- Hmm, well then can I ask you question teacher?

- Ok...

- There are 3 women eating popsicles. The first one is bitting it, the second is licking it, and the third is sucking it. Wich one them is married?

The teacher flushes while answering:

- The one that is sucking it...

- No teacher, its the one with a ring in the finger, but i like the way you think...

---------------------------

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go." Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

------------------
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?"

Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."

"That's very nice," said the teacher," Robert, what do your parents do?"

Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher ,"Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

-------------------------


Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

------------------------

In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat

---------------------

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

---------------------------

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

-------------------------

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . " at this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight". At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army". And the moral of the story is : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

-------------------------------------

Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"

Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

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Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?"

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should want kids of your own?"

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so far..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.

"Why?" asked his father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.

Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"

-----------------------

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

"Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his really hot teacher's tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

---------------------------

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son and anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you came from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as Lucky Johnny. "Why" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and who could spell it.
Johnnie raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e-.
Teacher says sorry that's wrong and calls on Betty.
Betty says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.
Sorry says the teacher, that's not right.
She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e.
Very good Darla, says the teacher, that's correct.
Now, says the teacher, who can use this word in a sentence?
Johnny raises his hand I know-I know, he says.
OK says the teacher, please use the word Johnny.
Johnny says: How did my dictate last night, Darla?

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Lil' Johnny is in school and the teacher is having children make sentences out of words..she gives a few examples and the kids participate..She gives the word "fascinate"...johnnny like really wants to get picked bad on this one..Teach says ok go ahead..."My sister she has really big tits..She got this blouse for Xmas and it has 10 buttons on it..but she could only fasten eight..

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
Now take off my bra...
which he does.
And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.
Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a moment and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"




Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.


Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.


He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.


Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.


Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.


After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.


This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

------------------------------

little johnny was starting grade 5 thats mean he was going to start science

he went to science class on the first day and met his teacher

the first lesson the teacher asked, i am mrs hendicks, i am ur science teacher

i have a question for all of you, if u think ur stupid', then stand up

cmon dont be shy,

about close to 5 minutes one boy stood up and it happen to be little johnny

ahh little boy u think ur stupid??

no maam', i just hate to see u there standing all by for self

----------------

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed putting a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "Whatcha doin daddy?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied

"Whatcha gonna do, f*@#% him?"

A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"

IF YOU DON'T GET THIS: HIS MUM ISNT AT HOME

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Take off my skirt..."

Little Johnny takes off her skirt.

"Take off my bra."

He takes off her bra.

"Now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

A Sunday School teacher was telling the children that God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny became fascinated when the teacher told him how Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie? Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good
cook."

IF YOU DON'T GET THIS: FOR JOHNNY, ONLY PEOPLE THAT DONT HAVE A GOOD COOK PRAY TO HAVE THEIR MEAL TASTE GOOD

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to Iowa."

Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"

Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."



Enjoy, more to come!

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Post#2 Posted: 19 Jul 2008 09:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nvm
its just a diff joke

here is a joke i like happy

The mom calls the husband a "bastard"

and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"

and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"




and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"



His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"


and billy said "Dad, whats shit"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "


and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"


and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says


"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey"


Last edited by Tylr on 19 Jul 2008 09:57 am; edited 1 time in total

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Post#3 Posted: 19 Jul 2008 11:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Killwithme wrote:
Nvm
its just a diff joke

here is a joke i like happy

The mom calls the husband a "bastard"

and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"

and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"




and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"



His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"


and billy said "Dad, whats shit"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "


and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"


and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says


"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey"


oh thats funny

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Post#4 Posted: 19 Jul 2008 02:41 pm    Post subject: Re: little johnny jokes!!!! Reply with quote

blueballs wrote:
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

---------------------------

One day at school the teacher was making math questions to the class. First she asked little Mary:

- Little Mary, If you buy 5 oranges and give 2 of them to me, how many are left?

- 3 teacher!

- Very good Mary.


then the teacher catching little Johnny not paying any attention, directs the next question to him:

- Little Johnny. There are 5 birds in a tree. If a man shoots one of them how many are left?

- None, one of them gets shot and the rest fly away with the noise.

- No Johnny, the correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think....

- Hmm, well then can I ask you question teacher?

- Ok...

- There are 3 women eating popsicles. The first one is bitting it, the second is licking it, and the third is sucking it. Wich one them is married?

The teacher flushes while answering:

- The one that is sucking it...

- No teacher, its the one with a ring in the finger, but i like the way you think...

---------------------------

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go." Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

------------------
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?"

Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."

"That's very nice," said the teacher," Robert, what do your parents do?"

Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher ,"Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

-------------------------


Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

------------------------

In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat

---------------------

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

---------------------------

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

-------------------------

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . " at this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight". At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army". And the moral of the story is : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

-------------------------------------

Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"

Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?"

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should want kids of your own?"

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so far..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.

"Why?" asked his father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.

Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"

-----------------------

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

"Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his really hot teacher's tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

---------------------------

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son and anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you came from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as Lucky Johnny. "Why" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and who could spell it.
Johnnie raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e-.
Teacher says sorry that's wrong and calls on Betty.
Betty says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.
Sorry says the teacher, that's not right.
She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e.
Very good Darla, says the teacher, that's correct.
Now, says the teacher, who can use this word in a sentence?
Johnny raises his hand I know-I know, he says.
OK says the teacher, please use the word Johnny.
Johnny says: How did my dictate last night, Darla?

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Lil' Johnny is in school and the teacher is having children make sentences out of words..she gives a few examples and the kids participate..She gives the word "fascinate"...johnnny like really wants to get picked bad on this one..Teach says ok go ahead..."My sister she has really big tits..She got this blouse for Xmas and it has 10 buttons on it..but she could only fasten eight..

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
Now take off my bra...
which he does.
And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.
Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a moment and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"




Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.


Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.


He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.


Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.


Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.


After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.


This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

------------------------------

little johnny was starting grade 5 thats mean he was going to start science

he went to science class on the first day and met his teacher

the first lesson the teacher asked, i am mrs hendicks, i am ur science teacher

i have a question for all of you, if u think ur stupid', then stand up

cmon dont be shy,

about close to 5 minutes one boy stood up and it happen to be little johnny

ahh little boy u think ur stupid??

no maam', i just hate to see u there standing all by for self

----------------

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed putting a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "Whatcha doin daddy?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied

"Whatcha gonna do, f*@#% him?"

A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"

IF YOU DON'T GET THIS: HIS MUM ISNT AT HOME

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Take off my skirt..."

Little Johnny takes off her skirt.

"Take off my bra."

He takes off her bra.

"Now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

A Sunday School teacher was telling the children that God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny became fascinated when the teacher told him how Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie? Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good
cook."

IF YOU DON'T GET THIS: FOR JOHNNY, ONLY PEOPLE THAT DONT HAVE A GOOD COOK PRAY TO HAVE THEIR MEAL TASTE GOOD

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to Iowa."

Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"

Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."



Enjoy, more to come!


One Word..

OLD!!!!

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Post#5 Posted: 17 Sep 2008 04:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

some of these r funny
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Post#6 Posted: 17 Sep 2008 06:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol priceless.
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Post#7 Posted: 18 Sep 2008 06:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too many to read atm tongue but I read like 6 and most of them was funny tongue

briggrin

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Post#8 Posted: 18 Sep 2008 06:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

i am still laughing
that was great
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Post#9 Posted: 19 Sep 2008 01:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read to the end of the ass joke. LULZ FUNNAY!
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Post#10 Posted: 19 Sep 2008 06:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i love these jokes, if anyone finds any please post them up smile
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Post#11 Posted: 19 Sep 2008 06:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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Post#12 Posted: 19 Sep 2008 06:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Those are funny tongue Read all of them :O
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